YES, I TAKE REQUESTS

I've had a couple of Smokin' Joe followers ask my take on a couple of things lately. Specifically, one wanted to know what I think of Glenn Beck, and the other wanted my predictions on the upcoming NASCAR season.
I'll start with NASCAR.
I think there's about to be a NASCAR revival. I love the sport and I've even thought the last couple of campaigns were lacking. But lo and behold NASCAR's dictator Brian France--NASCZAR if you'll allow me the indulgence--has decided to do something I've been screaming for for two years, and that's a return to the sport's roots. He won't go as far as ditching the Chase format points system and taking races back to North Wilkesboro, but he is moving the starting times back to 1 EST like they should be, and the wing that nobody but me seems to like is going to be replaced by an actual spoiler. NASCAR is also ditching their crackdown on dangerous driving, i.e. bumpdrafting. I guess they figured out that driving 180 in a family car is dangerous enough. They've also decided to open up the restrictor plates that they put on the cars at Daytona and Talladega to slow the cars down. Now their way of thinking is to let them go a bit faster and spread out.
Bottom line is that things should be a little less cut and dried, and that there should be more emphasis on putting on a good show for fans this season, so I think NASCAR might be a nice Sunday afternoon distraction in 2010.
Now to Glenn Beck.
I have about as much use for Glenn Beck as I do for serpents, self-ordained ministers, or foul air. It's appropriate that he falls in with this group because you could make the argument that Beck can be considered any of the other three.
Glenn Beck is Rush Limbaugh on steroids. In fact this is what Rush Limbaugh would have been if he had festered into being in front of a camera instead of behind a mic. Beck has his bully pulpit on the FOX News Channel and never misses the chance to spread a little more panic and hate when the opportunity arises. The scary part is that his program draws more viewers in his time slot than all his competitors on the other news networks combined.
I think Glenn Beck was born about 100 years too late, and in the wrong country. If some lass of fine German stock had squeezed little Glenn into being in the early part of the 20th century I have no doubt that he would have pledged his oath to the swastika and would have went to work in Hitler's propaganda machine. He just looks like he would make such a good Nazi. But don't take my word for it, just look at the jacket for his book, ARGUING WITH IDIOTS. If that's not almost a Nazi getup I don't know what is. I guess he had his wife snap some photos when he got home from his last party meeting.

The Smokin' Joe Book Review: UNDER THE DOME

If you know me much at all then you know I'm a great fan of writer Stephen King. Even though he's one of my favorite authors I'm the first to admit that his last few novels haven't been as good as I'd come to expect. I figured his best works were behind him, and I was OK with that because even his sub-par stuff still makes a good read.
Now I'm changing my tune because I've just finished reading his latest tome, UNDER THE DOME.
UNDER THE DOME is classic King. It's set in a small town with a rich population of characters, and like all of King's best work some of the central characters are children. I've said for years that Stephen King puts a voice to children and young people better than any scribe in the game and this book proves that. It also proves that King is a small town guy at heart, and gets what goes on in real America. This time the town is Chester's Mill, Maine, and it has all the sorts of folks you find in real small towns: the town drunk, bullies, crooked politicians, and people you can identify with.
Like any good King book this one is long and involved. Covering a short span of time in Chester's Mill the book still manages to encompass almost 1,100 pages, but you'd actually wish for a couple of hundred more. It's really that good.
I still consider King's 'five star' novels to be THE STAND, IT, and the GUNSLINGER series, but I'm going to have to expand that roll by one. UNDER THE DOME is not only King's best book in recent memory, it's probably one of the five best he's ever written.
Read this book! You won't be disappointed.

TECHNOLOGY AIN'T WORTH A DAMN

This is 2010, we're a tenth of the way through the 21st century, and we still can't get the really important things right.
We've put a man on the moon, we can send space probes half-a-billion miles to some other planet and land them more or less where we want, we have the World Wide Web, cars that monitor the driver, TVs with 200 HD channels, and a host of other technological marvels. Why is it then that I can't find a freakin' can-opener that's worth having?
I've tried them all. I think I'm obsessed with finding the perfect can-opener. I've ordered them from TV that only nip the sides of the top of the can. It was a piece of crap. You had to turn it backward and it seemed to be designed for lefties. I had a nice electric model that I bought at K-Mart that lasted about 6 months and then just quit working. I used to have a crank model mounted on the wall over the sink that worked for about 20 years, but I can't find another one. My latest model was a nice black and silver hand held model from Walmart. It's junk. It quit working after about 50 cans.
Now I'm reduced to using my $6.97 Walmart model to snip the lids off the cans a bit at at time.
Why won't somebody fix this problem? Can-openers are just the tip of the iceberg where ill-operating conveniences are concerned, but it's one that glares at me because I encounter it every day.
Instead of issuing a grant to some egghead to figure out why stars twinkle or why dogs sniff their butts maybe the government will fund a design contest to fix this can-opener crap.
And btw, why don't all cans just have pull tops? This is 2010 after all.

THINGS THAT BOTHER ME!

First, I'm tired of the fact that I'm considered a 'sub standard' person because I don't beat the doors of the church down every time they open. You know why? It's because of the hypocrites that populate them. Most churches are social clubs and places for people to make business contacts. Oh, and a place for over-the-hill skanks to go to trick decent men into raising their hoard of kids that they don't know who the dads are. Also a good place for scumbags and mooches to go to get a handout and a pat on the back.
Second, I'm tired of getting passed over for jobs where I'm the most qualified candidate simply because I'm neither a female nor a minority. I'm sorry, but I thought it was illegal to discriminate against someone because of their skin color, and I assumed that included white men too, but I was wrong. Also, a single mother who can't keep her legs shut and has put a troop of kids on the government entitlement rolls isn't any more qualified than me for a job, unless it's in a whore house. I shouldn't be punished because she's too stupid to take the pill and too slutty to care. Sure, she obviously needs the work, but I do too and shouldn't be punished because I'm not a skank.
Third, when did this area get so damned superficial? I'd love to go out and have fun with my friends, but most of the bars/clubs in Bowling Green now find me either too old or too 'rough looking' to let me in. Pardon me if I'm wrong, but isn't it against the law to discriminate against serving someone? Oh yeah, that's for minorities, not white men. And of course if I had a $50 to drop in some bouncers hand I'd instantly be good enough to get in.
I'm tired of being treated like I'm not as good as my neighbors simply because of my looks and beliefs. Just because I don't go to your church doesn't mean you're better than me. It means you give more money to the church every year than I do but nothing else. If you get a job it doesn't mean you're better than me. It means you filled a damn quota or looked like a sure piece of ass to the people doing the hiring. Finally, just because you look better than me doesn't mean you are better than me. I guess it means that your genes lined up differently than me and made you look hot and made me big and ugly. It shouldn't be a measure of my worth as a person simply because I don't look like I just walked out of an Abercrombie ad or off the set of JERSEY SHORE or the OC.
If this pisses you off, fine, join the club. I pretty well stay pissed off about this stuff but that's not important because I'm not one of the 'acceptable' people that lives around here.

NOTE: I AM NOT DOWNING SINGLE MOTHERS. I am downing skanks that have kids to raise their entitlement and think the fact that they spit out kids for sport means they should be treated as something special. Single moms are awesome, they do the job of two parents and usually do it pretty well. Skanks that don't know how to keep their legs shut make life harder for them and everyone that pays taxes!

Pat Robertson: Zealot, Nutjob, Patriot!?!

PAT ROBERTSON is a dangerous man. Seriously, he is. This is a guy that subsidizes his dubious political theories and beliefs by claiming that they are "God delivered" and taken straight out of the pages of the Bible.
Robertson's latest outrage is his proclamation that the earthquake in Haiti was God's will and punishment for Haiti's Pact with the Devil to remove the French from their country. I'm not making this up folks, here's video to prove it.

OK, I object to this on multiple levels. First, my God doesn't punish the innocent for the sins of the misguided. Second, even if this were the case these people, and their families, need hope as much as they need help right now. Proclaiming that you're cursed by the Almighty doesn't seem like a really hopeful message to send. Third, if you're pretending to be collecting aid for the victims how can this be a message that will urge people to donate?

Pat Robertson is a nut and he's dangerous. He has deluded political ideas and justifies his stances with the Bible. I'm not naive enough to think that the Bible is apolitical, but I don't think it should be carried around in a holster and drawn whenever you meet some opposition to your agenda. I might be in the minority, but my political beliefs are summed up in the Constitution of the United States of America and a few other notable documents. My religious beliefs stem from the Bible, although I don't take it as the literal word of God. I keep one on the bookshelf and one on the nightstand and don't mix the two. I think our country would be better off if we let the Bible steer our hearts and the Constitution guide our politics.

I JUST CAN'T GET GOING. . .

I just can't get going on this blog. I actually have some things on my mind, but I don't want to come across as a crank or a bitter, middle aged man.
I do think there's one thing we can agree on, and that is that Pat Robertson is a nut, so go on to my next post and we'll vent.

I'M BACK

Howdy.
I've done a miserable job of posting for the last two weeks or so. The reason is simple, I really haven't had much to say.
I know that if you know me that's hard to believe, but January is such a crappy, BLAH month that my mind has been sort of running at a slow idle. Be relieved however, I'm starting to pick up some speed as February gets closer and some things have finally come to mind that I'd like to spout off a bit about.
Since I'm roughly 13 or so posts behind on my quest to do 365 in a year I'll be dropping some Smokin' Joe words of wisdom this evening and tonight, and hopefully it will spur me to keep at it.
So keep checking back in the next few hours to find out what's on my mind. Just to tease you a bit I plan on ranting some on; Pat Robertson, Brett Favre, Conan O'Brien, Lane Kiffin, the weather, UK Hoops, the NFL, and any number of other things.
So stay tuned.

BAH, LIFE SUCKS IF YOU'RE OVER 40!

I used to think that I wanted to live to be 100, but not so much anymore. In fact, I really don't care much if I make 50, or 45 for that matter.
I don't know if everywhere is the same way, but if you live in Southcentral Kentucky, and you're a single man over 35, you might as well be dead. I'm too old for all the 'fun' bars around here, and not rich enough to go to the downtown bars where people my age hang out. It's impossible to meet women that aren't just trolling for some schmucko to raise their illegitimate kids, and there's nothing to do but work, come home, and sleep.
No wonder people go nuts during middle age.

THERE'S SEEMS TO BE A MAJOR SHORTAGE AFOOT

What's the damn deal with Frank's Red Hot Sauce? I haven't been able to find any of it for the last few weeks. You can't blame it on the snow because Walmart and most of the various Houchen's affiliates have been out since before Christmas.
Please don't tell me that someone found something awful in this stuff and pulled it off the market. As far as shortages go this one hits me where I live.
If you see any Frank's Red Hot in stores tell me where. And I'm not talking about the Frank's Red Hot Buffalo Wing sauce, I want the real Frank's Red Hot, but the Extra Hot kind does look tasty too.

A STRAIGHTFOWARD LITTLE ENTRY

Today I'll be shot and sweet.
It's 11 degrees outside in Smokin' Joe Land. Give me 100 degrees with some humidity any day!
I don't want to hear any bitching, AND YOU DAMN SURE WON'T GET ANY FROM ME, when it gets hot next summer. We had a great, mild summer this year that was almost universally enjoyed, but a burning hot scorcher could be just a few months away. In my opinion it can't get here soon enough. I don't like sweatshirts and blankets. I have a room full of tee shirts that I'd like to start living in again soon.

I'M ALREADY BEHIND!!

For some reason I completely forgot to blog yesterday. I guess it was hangover from Food Stamp day on Monday.
It occurred to me today that people are completely freakin' crazy with the way they react over snow. Yeah, we MIGHT get a COUPLE of inches of snow tonight and tomorrow. Big damn deal! It's not like we're gonna be snowed in until spring or some crap like that. Two inches of snow isn't even the length of your index finger, it's not going to paralyze the world.
Here's how bad it is. Here in Butler County they've already put some brine on the roads to handle any nasty stuff tomorrow. So I get behind a woman in a red Kia who was already in full blown, snow and ice panic mode. She was driving 30 mph, and straddling the yellow line. When she met another car she wouldn't even move over more than a foot, but she would slow almost to a stop to let the other guy crowd the shoulder and pass. I had to follow her all the way to the grocery, and some guy there called her out about her driving. He asked her if she realized she couldn't drive in the middle of the road. She got all pissy and informed him that when the weather is bad she drives in the middle of the road so she won't slide off into the ditch.
As she was saying this it was 33 degrees and sunny. It was actually a bluebird beautiful winter day.
So what would this chic do if it really did snow tonight? I was in Lexington in 1989 and it was 55 degrees on March 30th, turned cold and started raining at midnight, and by April 1st we had three inches of ice with 20 inches of snow on top of it. That was bad weather, but it didn't cripple town or anything. UK didn't even cancel classes.
NOTE: In my five years at UK they never canceled classes for snow. We had 9 inches during finals week and they couldn't even close the dorms for Christmas break, but they didn't cancel classes. A buddy of mine said they canceled them for two days due to the ice storm last winter, but only because there was no power.
I can't wait until Thursday. People will go apeshit if there's the least little snow on the ground. I love to go visit people when it snows. They're either shocked I'm out or want to load up and go ride around with me. I have a 19-yr-old two-wheel drive auto as well. People around here with damn Hummers won't get out on snow but me and the White Trash Chariot of Death just keep going.

IT'S THE FIRST OF THE MONTH, SO I'M RANTING ABOUT FOOD STAMPS

I hate going to the grocery store on or near the first of the month because I hate food stamp fraud. While I was standing in line today behind several carts full of junk food that my tax dollars--and yours--were paying for something occurred to me. Most of the people I was in line with were using food stamp debit cards, and they were MORBIDLY OBESE. I'm not talking about chunky, or having some love handles, I'm talking 450-lb. plus, and mostly women. One lady's feet were so damn fat she had on flip-flops and it's about 19 degrees outside. That got me thinking about a novel new way to save Uncle Sam some money, and maybe help with out healthcare problems as well.
YOU SHOULDN'T GET ENOUGH FOOD STAMPS TO BE OBESE! In fact they should be doled out according to how much it costs the average person to eat a healthy, average daily caloric intake. The government shouldn't be your enabler to weigh a quarter ton. If you want to eat that much here's an idea, GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND MAKE SOME MONEY. I guarantee there was nothing wrong with the herd at the grocery that losing a couple hundred pounds wouldn't fix. Also, if you're spending working people's money to buy your food then you should eat like we do. No DiGiorno pizzas or ribeyes. Try the dollar pizzas and hamburger for a change. Ever heard of dried beans? Dried beans go a long way. They might not be as tasty as chicken breast fillets or New York strips but they'll make my tax dollars go a long way if you're on food stamps and decide to try them.
Food Stamps should work like WIC. WIC is a program that furnishes basic nutritional items for pregnant women, infants, and small children. WIC tells you what you can and can't buy with our tax dollars. You might have noticed WIC APPROVED signs in the grocery. I think we need to do this with Food Stamps. You would have to buy real food, not chips, soda, etc. and it would have to be stuff that goes a long way, like beans, bread, burger, etc. Food Stamps aren't supposed to feed you so well that you wonder why anyone would ever want to work, but that's the problem as I see it.
Also, your weight shouldn't be a disability. I'm a big SOB and I work. I have bad knees, bad ankles, a bum ticker, and a foul attitude but I'm not on 'the draw' and don't plan on going to the Welfare office and saying, "I'm too fat to work and feed myself. Can you give me enough money and food stamps every month so that I can do less and gain more weight?"
Back to the Food Stamp Hippos from the store today, I have one other gripe. If you're going to spend other people's money to feed your fat ass then don't bitch about the price of the food you buy. When I'm standing behind you with some pinto beans, cheap bacon, some 2 for $1 luncheon meat and generic bread I don't want to hear you fuss about how much your pork roast and chicken breasts cost. Just take it home, gobble it down, and gain a few more pounds.
Next month I'll starve before I shop on Food Stamp day.

WHY DOES WINTER TV SUCK?

OK, it's cold, there's nothing to do, and nobody really likes to get out in this kind of weather, so why isn't there anything on TV to watch during the winter? We have to wait all summer for the new shows to debut so it seems like there would be something in the can to run through the winter, but that's not the case. All the shows we all like go off from November until March or April. It makes no sense. When March and April get here I want to go do springtime things, like get out of the house.
Maybe this is further evidence for my theory that we should all hibernate through the winter. Then when the alarm clock went off in March we could watch TV while our muscles learned to work again.
•••
There was a new FAMILY GUY tonight, and that's always a good thing. This week's episode was titled BIG MAN ON HIPPOCAMPUS and dealt with Peter's amnesia. The Family Guy writers never fail to be equally offensive to most people, and I love them for it. Dwayne Johnson had a cameo tonight that was just too much.
Way to go Seth MacFarlane and company. For a half-hour this day didn't quite suck so much!

WINTER SUCKS!

Well I'm not exactly pumping out vast quantities of knowledge and insight, but it's day two and I'm still at it.
I think part of my problem is that it's winter. I hate winter. Nothing I like to do goes on in the winter and the only thing that makes it bearable is basketball. Makes me wonder why our big cities are where they are. New York and Boston are pretty far north. It gets butt cold in both of them. Why would people choose to make these cities so big? I can understand the poor damn Pilgrims and the early settlers, they didn't know any better, otherwise our capital would be in Miami, or maybe Mexico City.
I don't guess I'd do well in Minnesota or Wisconsin or one of those awful icy states. Everyone would go play hockey and I'd be too cold to get out.
Maybe winter in Kentucky would be more enjoyable if we had some cool stuff to do like play hockey or go skiing. But no, we don't have that kind of winter. Instead we get cold weather and ice and lots of cold, rainy days. And when it does snow nobody on the road--except me of course--knows how to drive in it.
For that matter I'm starting to think that people in Kentucky just can't drive. If you're reading this and you live in Kentucky chances are you don't know what a dimmer switch or turn signal is. If you do use your signals the handle is broken and your flasher stays on for 57 miles on the interstate signaling a left turn. Maybe this is just Kentuckians over age 60, although I did get flipped off by a granny in a Caddy on I-65 the other day. I was going to slow for her. My cruise was set on 81.
Go figure.

Welcome 2010, it's time to blog

Howdy.
You would think that a slightly obnoxious, mildly insane, highly opinionated person would have trouble finding people that are interested in their rants. I was surprised myself when a few people told me that they would enjoy a dose of Smokin' Joe wit and insight on a regular basis.
Since I don't have a lot going on right now, and I do pretend to be a writer, I thought I would accomplish two goals with one new blog. First, I'm going to give anyone that cares a dose of Smokin' Joe per day for as many days as I can in the coming year, I'm hoping to make the full 365. Second, I'm determined to write something every day for the next year if it is at all possible. So this blog will fill that bill.
Today's Daily Smokin' Joe is just your introduction and warning about what to expect in the next year. Since I have some younger folks interested in this blog, and some families too, I'm going to keep this one as clean as possible and try to have a little fun.
I'll also be posting this year to my other new project BRUTAL HONESTY, which will begin next week.
So get ready to read, respond, laugh, and maybe think about things a little bit.
And by the way, neither one of these blogs will be a work or art or a repository for life changing revelations. I just want to have something to do when I get out of bed, and maybe give you something to look forward to each day.